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okay how am i intro what’s your dive
right in hi this is bill hi everybody so
we finished Pascal the last last podcast
we finished with Jason boom so therefore
so anyway we got we brought Bill back
from the last podcast that would be the
last one I think in the order that these
are going out
so we’re speaking maybe one a continuous
time line don’t change your mind
tomorrow you all wrap that and between
these two I kind of stopped numbering
them now and I only go by names okay
which means that I have to name them as
I just as have a yellow on there yeah I
don’t like doing that either a number
seems to make more sense in there yeah
but what I’ve ended up with is I’ve had
these file names now that started as
that but I have one started as episode
43 then got delayed because you put some
more things in and then with 47 but then
was actually released at like 51 or
something like that so each step of the
way though because the audio says 43
then by the time I mix the thing again
then it’s 43 was like so this thing was
like 43 then 46 then 51 final dot MOV
what was that but that’s the only way
that’s what I had I had to trace it back
because if I had a problem with the
sound
I can’t go to 51 yeah cuz then I’ll be
fucking up some different episode and so
yeah that’s I told you we’re overly
optimistic was this I’m just saying like
I I wonder that might happen yeah so
anyway so we are back bill I don’t even
know where to start with you all this
because you have a foundation for I want
to write the awesome stuff and Julian
will not let me yeah listen we’re not
going to talk about the CIA but the good
no because you have a really cool stuff
you have going on so before we can go
into that please explain why you come
from so that we are not talking about
PTSD from a firefighter who’s saving
cats on weekends sure yeah so I I spent
the second half of my 20s in the Army
specifically in Special Forces and I was
a 5th Special Forces Group I was a green
beret in a team charlie which was an
engineers
Arjun I was on an amazing Oda so an
incredible 12-man you know Special
Forces team where I was able to not only
learn a ton and the progression or the
timeline to get to that point which was
like two years to get my green beret but
also the rest of my time at group has
been a very high-level team we did with
in unconventional you know we’re an
unconventional warfare unit and we had a
very unconventional mission set and
tasking so many questions yeah so that’s
a bit of my background
yeah so four Souls define exactly like
we want to stop anyways so like I say to
guys yesterday like it’s one of those
things when you see how sausages are
made you know you don’t want to eat
another hot dog yeah kind of in that
line so you know there there are and
where my story now is I think more
personal is there are a lot of stories
there are a lot of movies there’s a lot
of books right right
you know this stuff that I did and that
stuff that my team did and many others
like me there’s not gonna be any books
written about it there’s not gonna be
any movies or stories and a lot of it is
one of the battles that we are fighting
against is the sensationalism the
Hollywood ism and and how that has an
influence on people and and how they
coming back all right come yeah for sure
not being able to talk not being able to
really talk you’re not really telling
anybody what you were doing in many
cases there’s like a lot of times like
it’s just not what are you you’re not
gonna you’re not gonna really bring that
conversation so I people can relate
anyway the shit you would talk about why
I mean what am I gonna bring about like
my MMA fights right compared to that
like who can talk to you about this it’s
not like any of us can be late anyway
right yeah so dumb is that also must be
hot because you know how much bullshit
there is when people talk about it right
but you can’t say it well and what
people usually want
about is what they see in the movies yes
and it’s just like at that point you’re
kind of like do I do I choke you right
now or do I just smile okay I can say
yeah but honestly like you know smiling
just be like oh yeah that’s also a form
of avoiding what you really do sometimes
need to say which is like no this is
like not you have it all wrong but you
know some folks want to believe it okay
but on a personal level does he weigh on
you yeah you know like because you can’t
share what was a traumatic thing no
matter which way winning it doesn’t mean
it’s not traumatic and since you’re here
means you want so but that is weigh on
you like you know who’s coming back
we’ll go into lists because you’re gonna
give us your bill but I heard a lot of
people coming back from those places
saying that the hardest thing was being
here
at home and sometimes realizing that’s
who you fought for yeah so there’s
definitely what are the things that
definitely weighs on me is like you know
when you start to question what did what
was it for right that is not a question
that is at that level with what’s on the
line like that’s in my mind that’s the
biggest one there’s what was it for and
then also I didn’t do enough I should
have done more you know I should have
stayed in longer I should have you know
I didn’t really contribute all that I
could so for me those two questions have
been right so very is that why you see
people even though again only I can only
imagine from movies how hard it was over
there so I’m sure I can’t imagine what
it was but is that what they go back you
see so many guys I mean you had fun
we’re gonna explain all this but this is
why they go back three times four times
five times because they have their mates
out there like I need to do more to
contribute contribute toward your mates
they off to the computer that you want
to sort of – in my experience where
they’re willing to give your life up for
a cause and four people left and right
of you it was never the policy like I
was it wasn’t the so-and-so’s policy or
whatever it was it was always that like
true
they love and they’re called ya know
country and so yeah when you’re willing
to to give yourself for that what else
can really compare is there a survivor’s
guilt in this we all like some of my
some of them didn’t come back the fact I
come back means I didn’t give it all you
know I personally don’t really have too
much of that you know obviously I have
you know friends that are that are you
know that were killed and whatnot I
don’t have too much of the survivals
survivor’s guilt I have more of a shame
with not doing enough like I feel like
and for years I felt like I did not live
up to my green beret because because I
so I said like you know our mission was
an unconventional mission even with an
unconventional thing but what I wanted
to do is I wanted to get this the
traditional kind of Special Forces
combat deployment to Iraq Afghanistan
whatever and like I put so much weight
and validation into that that when that
didn’t happen and that’s the thing about
service like you don’t get to pick your
mission right all you do is raise your
hands you can say whatever it is you
want me to do I will go do with
everything I have physically mentally
emotionally okay and so lack of lack of
control and say over your mission really
for me when I thought okay at least
there’s like this basic minimum that I
need to hit and then everything else is
a bonus and when you know you work for
the government in the military you don’t
get that you don’t get that and so for
me I felt like because I do have such a
tremendous amount of respect for the
Green Beret and for the military and
everything but I was in rewrite and the
people that that went before me that
gave up their lives that made that worth
something dying for and when I feel like
I didn’t do what I wanted to do you
should have done yeah yeah then it’s
just like I feel like I didn’t live up
to it and so personally it’s super
vulnerable there’s a lot of times where
it’s like man I feel like an absolute
absolute fraud absolute phony
that will combine to with like I’m still
very good at what I what I’m capable of
doing and personally taking myself out
of the game yeah that was a that was a
vicious tailspin that you know and then
open about it eventually led to like you
know questioning you know taking my life
and that was you know that was like
because the other thing with that is
people don’t you know and the thought of
like a suicide so there’s obviously a
significant problem within the military
within veteran community definitely in
the u.s. it was well as things like you
can never really understand it and I had
a guy actually tell me like I don’t get
it you have family yeah this that I’m
sure they don’t you think that just
seems so selfish and I said to him like
well I’m glad you have that opinion
because that tells me you’ve never
questioned you don’t take it you know
and I said for me it’s not a function of
it being selfish it’s more a function of
me dragging my family down into the hole
further through the misery that I know
at that moment I’m 99% sure I’m not
gonna be able to get better right and
I’m gonna drag them through this tell me
what self who’s being selfish now so if
I remove myself like people never
understand you know and there’s always
that and people don’t commit suicide to
send themselves that’s not a ready to
save their family because they think
they will wait on their family most
people are kill themselves do it for
others in their mind which is all that
matters is they are mine at the time
right also a because you tend to have a
pretty good sense of community and
camaraderie with people who were
deployed with us as you do return you
kind of see over the years as the years
go by you can see some of that wreckage
play out in other people’s lives so very
often I think when people get in your
position they’re like this is happening
and fuck I feel this I’ve seen this I’ve
seen that and it’s like I know where
this fucking road goes yeah and it
almost does kind of become this thing
that you just end up on top of you know
yeah and not you know and not others not
being able to really dig in and do the
work and try to find out just just
really who you are you know your net
like
my mind that’s what’s never you’re never
gonna break free of that disordered
thinking where you know you’re not being
a committing or questioning taking your
life is not a like there’s not a
rational move Engel it’s very
emotionally driven but there’s a there’s
like a bug in the system yeah and
there’s like that’s the body goes over
yeah and it keeps coming back and it’s
just like you you know and of course I
don’t have any claim to have the
solution for this but in my experience
like it really does take that okay I
need to really look good like Who I am
some of its I’m no longer that person
you know and I you know read the news
and talks continue to stay in contact
with my friends and in and everything
and you know there’s a part of me that
wants to still wants to be there but
like that’s because you can’t make a
difference yeah and that’s but then you
buy into that that that’s like that’s
the only way I can make a difference and
so going back to that yeah because you
see it I see it off of a family and
friends and um active deployments of
come back is very often when someone
does come back there is a sense of not
having a purpose yeah you know and you
come back and the problem is nobody
comes back rich but you’re usually if
you come back from a deployment here
usually you’ll have a little flush cash
because very often you’ve been you’ve
been living so you don’t have living
expenses hard ah
and so so they come back with a little
bit of extra money they don’t really
have to work right away and so there’s
this just like you said you’re like well
I’m still useful there right and then
but with time while shuffling your feet
here you become like a man without a
fucking home I mean I got out of the
army I so I was down at Fort Campbell
you know a fifth group got out went back
to New Jersey where I had my beautiful
wife to incredible stuff kids a gym
where there was a community and
everything that and it was just like are
you kidding me like this is not and I
don’t want to sound like I was above and
that like knows hello you know to the
point of like what is my purpose here
yes what am i doing and also like the
level at which my entire life was
preparing me to operate at and the level
at which we were operating at all of a
sudden it was like I’m just I just feel
calm
we lost without a purpose as you said
but this is a person to like you joined
the military you were 25 25 dick let’s
be honest a man at 25 is not himself yet
he hasn’t found like I don’t know you I
thought you grew up faster than me
that’s for sure
but me took me yeah at 31 to start to go
and a business at 35 to turn into a man
before that it was okay so you went
faster but still the Special Forces
shaped a man at the time that was not
necessarily you particularly but who
they needed you to be at that time
whether you want or not is not the
sugars and I know which training you
went through they need someone and
they’re gonna make that yeah regard
whether or not it’s you or not is
another problem but so they shaped that
person and that who came back mm-hmm and
but that’s not necessarily on top of it
that is certainly not you married with
two kids in a gym right so they’re at
there’s a moment where that has to hit
you yeah then why am i yes at the Army
boy anymore
you know what to add to that almost like
an insult to injury thing I did go in at
25 so I wasn’t 18 20 years old oh like
really not having done anything in life
I had already gone to college I was an
All American soccer player tons of like
experience in that in at the athletic
world I was working for
PricewaterhouseCoopers it’s just like a
you know top public accounting firm
making a bunch of my own accountant the
worst thing is an accountant sure you
don’t strike me yeah okay why but that
was the thing you know what’s funny
about that though I got into that
because eventually I wanted to use that
as a stepping stone to go to the FBI it
was because FBI I’m gonna take
accountants lawyers and you know like
law enforcement people so I was like
okay this is not gonna go do had to
eventually face to me so like okay what
am I gonna do in life what okay yeah it
was either yeah it was either like never
think about going into the Army and
pursuing you know Special Forces ever
again or go and do it and I wasn’t
prepared to not try and I think that’s
the the biggest thing to encourage
people or don’t just tell people like if
you don’t try you might fail but
trying is the ultimate failure and so
you know what’s what’s really what do we
really do it every night you can fail in
life not trying bingo yeah yeah people
realize that they seem I’m not running
they want to go Phil no you can’t fail
to just as bad throws man
yeah because when you fail doing
something it’s really like I don’t like
to call it affiliates you’re learning
some soccer you have the opportunity to
learn yeah and if you don’t again that’s
on your buzzer that’s yeah so anyway I
was like all right I’ve got life
experience I’m like you know I’m not
gonna get brainwashed it’s just like
I’ve seen the movie a little naive with
it and and this and that and you know as
I was like and I fought it hard when I
was in it I thought I was doing a good
job like okay being at Greenbrier being
in the Army isn’t gonna be like my
entire kind of piece of the pie yeah and
it kind of it took up a lot more than I
gave it credit for
so now factored that into I’m out I
thought I had this protection I thought
I hedged against this yeah you know kind
of brainwashed right and he have that
too now and then that it was like oh my
god I thought I was protected I thought
I was good I thought I had enough of a
bit of a safe space between you know
that just turning you into whomever and
being someone else so that lack of sense
of self and feeling lost on purpose like
it was so yeah oh yeah so you had both
side you realize you lost your sense of
self and you you don’t then you have
their sense of self and you get home
that requires an entirely different
sense of selves yeah oh yes yeah so it
was it was definitely and it still is
you know and I think that the transition
process from active duty to you know
civilian life now you know I don’t I
don’t want it to just be a light switch
where like I never remember that stuff
because I have a ton of great memories
and met amazing people and really had
the privilege and honor to serve
alongside amazing people and so I don’t
want to let go of all of them who’s this
pride to happy this yeah yeah and
there’s a lot of value there but you
know to what we’ve talked about like how
do you go back how do you go back and if
now you’re trying to reach
you know if that if the green brain was
was John yeah yeah and now I’m bill here
and we’re Mike let’s just say that and
like Mike needs to live now John used to
say the fuck out of the fight was a
white Johnny’s not help you don’t know
is one thing and it’s gonna weigh my
heart at all cost and a lot of it like
what what works for John does not work
right now because the environment is
completely different your life is
completely different John was not about
owning anyway well I think John was
about doing is that the thing is that is
that is that in John’s case John had an
environment with which was required
skill set required everything that you
don’t smoke that and I’m just it’s not
equipped for at home and a family and
for eating shit John I do you know any
of the John that the luxury of being
black and white yeah to a degree yeah
you mean like in the sense of this is
well I am this is what I do don’t like
with all the shit I can only imagine
that did not go correctly that for sure
but at least there was that I was we and
and I’m not the only one who says it is
pretty easy and it’s pretty simple to be
in and with a lot of it it’s like you
know when and what I would say goodbye
to you know and the hardest thing I
really have to do is say goodbye the
cake is my and say goodbye that family I
never got to see them I wasn’t living
with them we were living in two
different time zones saying goodbye to
somebody hundreds of times not really
knowing when the next time you’d be
there say hello to them again or or if
you want would like to say yeah or if
you’re going to you know that that was
definitely hard but there was still
within that it was pretty clean it’s
like okay well you were in the army we
live here you have to do your job we’re
doing our life but then you know you
kind of came back and I always felt like
I was in the wrong world when I was in
the army
I was not with my family and when I was
with my family I was usually thinking
about other stuff that I had to do there
and so it was this weird in-between of
wow while I was in I was always in the
wrong world and then I got out into this
world that we had talked about and
kind of you know fantasized about and
been like this is gonna be awesome we’re
gonna be awesome and then I remember
pulling up those literally the first day
thinking oh like this is permanent now
mm-hmm and a little bit of that kind of
dread with with just the permanence of
it yeah and yeah and a bit and being
equipped for it yeah by day two you go
like oh that’s a different set scale
wait what I go to the gym these kids how
do I deal with those yeah yeah in that
and they were you know they’re great
kids and I hope and they were way more
patient than I probably give them credit
for
I want to kill mine half the time I’m
done with you Ettore you’re it I’m the
only one thinking that right I love them
half the time yeah and I hope you all
know that yeah yeah if you’re watching
just know that yeah well that’s true got
my own pounds goes through it women
never want to say it but if you feel
exactly the same
they told shit that’s true I can say it
no one questions my love for my daughter
so I can say no but thanks by the way
like his stress for us that alone is
stressful like especially because when
did you get out end of 2015 so four
years ago so they like they like what
eight eight ten yes but actually exactly
four years yeah so the eight and eleven
they were yeah and they only knew me too
from like being the man of the box in
the computer I mean I would see them on
four-day weekends every now and then but
you know if they were with their dad so
I’m there stepped out if they were with
their dad you know then I wouldn’t
really see them and you there was a it
was a very challenging you know very
very challenging dynamic just because of
logistics and time and stuff and so you
know by itself
yeah so then you coming back not knowing
how to be a what they call a normal
human being right I can only imagine
what I having to do with normal shit
when you’re not coming from normal
environment oh yeah yeah especially John
I don’t think John like kids they don’t
know what you want they don’t
listen that’s what she walk yeah yeah
yeah yeah I know I get about Tory good
yeah yeah I don’t have a choice but I
totally gave so at this point you know
you kind of you’ve been back you kind of
had that shock of like fuck this is it
or is this it you know all that stuff
and and what do you do from there I mean
does it get worse before it get better
how did it go for you um it got worse
before it got better
usually things go yeah so I didn’t
really unpack my bags for about a year
okay I kept my green beret with it where
I would see it every morning as a
reminder of like well I can always go
back and so about three I don’t know if
it was like three or six months I was
gonna go back my buddy called me up it
was like hey we’re going to Afghanistan
I need a good dude are you in I was like
yes thank you okay this is the deal yeah
and yeah and you know and the great
thing is is like I would be there part
time so now I would go to the so I was
an active duty and then we have a
National Guard so it’s like hard time
basically army yeah but like that’s okay
here comes a bullshit also be back here
honey I don’t
total shit my daughter yeah yeah so then
I’m thinking like okay it’ll be the best
of both worlds and Caleb Taylor say yeah
but you can’t smile that’s always a
problem it’s completely soft yeah and it
was like look if you can’t if you can’t
move on and live in your life right now
with us with me and the kids right now
like when will you ever and like if this
is what you have to have you got it that
is a good point
but and it was just like you know
immediate like hit the wall like okay
that’s that question I really rocked me
did rocked me to the core and you know I
was either gonna do that or talking to
my friends and you know other government
agencies who recruited me to work for
them don’t go there cuz that the
questions I see Tali okay so 1964
yeah sixteen-year-old boy went to
Harvard gets involved in CIA the MKULTRA
yeah there’s no sure yeah so so that was
gonna be it that was gonna be the the
escape route you know if it just got too
much if I wasn’t willing to face and
confront their things that I really
needed to which it wasn’t about my job
it wasn’t about this event it was it was
me it was all Aldama
yeah but okay again like you have
developed a set of skill to a very high
level they have to go somewhere
mm-hmm I don’t think we built you can’t
go to the top and not use it right yeah
I mean like this like I mean we can talk
about being addicted to training all
that stuff like the fight that you build
to nth degree to be able to deal with
certain things has to go somewhere
I got a train I’m not that don’t get me
wrong like MMA is not the army but
you’ve developed a certain level of
aggression and not necessarily liking
violence but you have dealt with
violence on a regular basis on a very
you know intimate that fight has to go
somewhere right and that set of skill
has to be expressed in something
otherwise there’s a voice that goes dude
why are you turning into yeah to go
sometimes a lot of mental emotional
resources that go into getting good at
anything ground on getting a good attack
though that is such a very high stakes
very high adrenaline very intense so to
get good at that requires a lot of very
intense emotional experience to get
there you’re running against your whole
body scream at you for thousands of
hours of cannulated you know like
everything is made to really force you
to change into that person that has that
skill saying upon and then and you
should be but you should be
when you’re done it’s like fuck no but
you write you you turn into Superman yes
did you see Clark Kent
right so no bit seriously Clark Kent is
a vision of Superman of the human
condition in the street which is that we
see guy with glasses and everything
Superman that Superman is not his suit
remember like you’ll be yeah he’s right
about that
Superman is Superman Clark Kent is his
vision of us right so once you turn into
Superman that’s how you look at Clark
Kent yeah yeah I mean so John looks at
Mike going like Mike is Clark Kent it’s
not super eh that’s a hard one to do and
like you want me to turn into Crockett
every day and never I will go back to
Superman but I am Superman
right then oh that is true but at that
moment there has to be how you look at
it well I’m certain it’s a it’s
different obviously but like you take
take a someone like Eddie Van Halen he’s
probably not gonna be playing a lot of
shows in front of a hundred thousand
people at this point in his life right
yeah
however keeps playing I bet he still
plays the fucking guitar yeah now could
you imagine though they didn’t him going
from the highest adrenaline highest air
top of his career still can do it still
complaining not do music everyone yeah
yeah yeah that’s like yeah but yeah and
that’s you know and and I think within
the veteran space too like you see that
people like really hanging on to that
because it’s but do do you find a an
activity where you could put those
skills into I don’t know but it’s so to
some of that know there’s some skill
sets that I that I feel like I have and
some of my experiences for what I was
doing and trained before no it’s not
healthy to put this so what I help you I
mean I know what that’s a choice you
make every morning obviously that’s what
helps you go through and their family
and all that stuff but at some point you
kind of before you got bad but then he
started to get better yeah so it
definitely got it wasn’t good for a
while you know and actually so we had a
family friend a colleague a co-worker
who’s whose husband committed suicide
about a year ago a couple weeks ago a
year
and you know of course it’s sad you feel
sympathy for for her and the family and
stuff but for me what really kind of
woke me up was like that that could have
been me
yeah like very real very that was not a
stretch because that it reflected some
of the thought patterns yes oh he was a
seal he was at you know active duty and
you know that was a big wake-up call so
you have you had almost you you had
thought about it for yourself and then
you kind of see the aftermath yeah so
what I saw was how it what I really saw
was how it scared the shit out of him
crushed okay yeah yeah and I was like I
can and and you saw what he did to his
family I’m guessing for sure his you
know his wife his kids like that they’re
ever there their life changed forever in
a you know in a way I could never
imagine but I saw how much it really
rocked okay and I think I knew too at
that point that she wasn’t just feeling
incredibly sad for never sad and in her
family I think you know I think it
probably was a lot of stress yeah and so
so that was really I think yeah that was
a big a big one way no cuz cuz that
could have been me and you know so the
last veterans they actually ran a
marathon on a assault runner without
training yeah it was but like other
thing is people go you know how’d you do
that this and that trailing no I had a
broken up no why well that’s the only
man question I might have yeah and so
for me there was two parts it was one
personal to say like the how am I gonna
continue my service is well I’m like
what’s my purpose gonna be and so we are
facing a problem within the veteran
community with inactivity we have to sit
like suicide is a problem we need to we
need to be at least having a
conversation don’t know what the answer
but we need to first start by having the
cover so you shouldn’t play suicide like
just like you feeling giving like shit
getting back yeah everybody the ultimate
like downfall of it is suicide perhaps
even before that even before because it
has to be substance abuse and shit like
that’s that’s that’s one of the things
is it so the suicide numbers are
extremely high and alarming on their own
the problem is there’s a lot of people
that are adjacent to that point there’s
way more lives that are closer to that
than they are to normal yeah you know in
in in that space right so you have so
many people that are on the Skid that
are drinking too much committing suicide
you know just because you didn’t kill
yourself yeah that means you’ve done the
bare minimum we want good not just yes
exactly you know but is there not always
possibility yeah that’s what kind of
kills me in this debate is that it’s
like we shaped you into something and I
know very well how they did it and with
doing the seminar we talked about it I I
yeah yeah that I know through the
nervous system there are ways to reshape
someone I know exactly what they did but
then they don’t change it back no and so
we fail we fail at a very very
fundamental level yeah any sort of
reintegration you know and it’s so and
and if you look at warrior cultures and
tribes of the past they did a much
better job the Mallory’s I was talking
to them when I was there they had a
village outside of the village where
some of the wireup stayed until they
were ready to go back in yeah and some
never came back some stayed in that
village forever because you could never
go back to normal
so most wire culture knows that yeah
well you can’t send them there and turn
them into something and not turn them
back right before they come in
that that sounds like the most unfair
things alone and you know and that’s the
thing like because you start processing
out of the military you know they see
what thirty days or two months or
whatever and then it’s just like they
stamp your paper and I remember it like
it was it was this crazy moment she
stamps my paper say all right that’s it
you’re not in the Army anymore and I’m
like what yeah
you push you can say that by the way
well yeah that alone is not right yeah
and like you’re I’m in the Army forever
you know
all right and I remember such a fucked
up way of saying it it was a thing you
wanna hear that moment it was very just
an ostracize from the tribe yeah she’s
like oh hey no you’re not of any use to
us that yeah yeah fucked up way of
saying that yeah and I remember being
like at the time I remember thinking
like how dare you
yes I got a uniform on yeah yeah so what
did that mean like I’m just a fake now
yeah and I remember taking myself
everything that went into that everyone
25 although that and it’s over like what
is going on that that has to change on
the army side this has to change the way
they process out it oh yeah that is so
many people yeah I mean for me it was
for me it was you know cuz I did I made
the decision to get out so that I could
better serve and be with my family
you know and so that was my decision to
do yes but as a family we talked about
it but you know that was ultimately the
thing so you know it wasn’t like alright
it wasn’t something like I was in it for
20 years
all the unbroken like okay like it
wasn’t we didn’t leave on terms so I was
like I cannot wait to get back it was
kind of like I’m picking one world over
the other and I knew that it had to do
that I had to do that yeah so yeah
pretend ISM that doesn’t mean that
either you still served right it’s not
like yeah I mean it’s not yeah it’s not
yeah yeah
no it was a pretty pretty harsh moment
but you know so that was a big thing so
a year ago running that that running a
marathon and you know I had previous
like I was ran I think twice in the past
like six months had busted up my ankle
and you know the whole like mental
toughness thing I think we’re completely
having the wrong conversation about it
and doing Pena’s not mental no not at
all and you know so sure that was that
but that was 100% an emotional
expression for me you know and I’m again
and it was not something that there was
no trick or thinking like I’m gonna
think really hard like no it was like I
need to face this this situation at an
emotional level as well well for
to us that for I wish for I was seven
and a half hours or something da it was
awful it was bad it was so bad
I ran yeah you run slow in and they’ll
not yes crew is like a bum leg yeah it
was just a seven I was seven and a half
hours I’m kidding my hip flexors were
fried now I look down you know I stay
ready that’s all you did I say that
running is about full UI when he first
told the things like I did the marathon
on the assault runner without training I
was like ballsy but now as you’re
describing it’s been four hours and you
go I got 22 minutes to go yeah but but
you know and we’ve raised you know we
kind of had so spencer handle across the
games athlete he came down he said hey I
see what you’re doing I want to do so
he’s skied one we involved community
American ski to me y’all fucked up yeah
yes can we go back to strong man Jesus
yeah that was a lot I think that was
actually the last time I ran like train
for a marathon like you let me continue
to run like what’s wrong but it is just
think of although actually though think
about all the running you didn’t have to
do though by not training sure it took
it twice as long as you wanted it to
yeah but that really only it means like
a week or two of training in it so fuck
it is all your hours in a train yeah
exactly I’m good for 12 years yeah yeah
but really so one of the things I think
that that really definitely helped was
looking at movement as a way of
expressing and getting to really know
getting to really know yourself and then
what I would do actually for for a while
is after every training workout or every
workout I would just open up a notebook
and just write whatever whatever came
down and it was five minutes and
sometimes it was just babbling nonsense
but he’s talking to you too – Mike so
nany right
yes discovering yeah and you’re getting
through that writing and some of it was
like wow I have these moments of insight
and other times it was just like I’m
just talking about the workout like
whatever
but that’s missing it yeah no there’s no
like don’t judge it you don’t don’t
force it just be honest and just just
get it going and so that over time
really I was like okay I’m kind of
reintroducing myself to Who I am and
also confronting some things that that
we do know like the mind-body connection
is amazingly powerful and when we train
something happens and then there’s not
only this Cathars the Cathar catharsis
ism with the writing but like you’re
you’re also facing it too and that’s
like one of the biggest feelings yeah
yeah and you’re feeling a deep yeah and
like you’re putting it out there and no
one else is reading it you know people’s
people still don’t understand the what
the act of writing something down like
the act of actually doing that if even
if nobody else sees it there is no there
is a catharsis – yeah which means like
it now has left your body maybe not
fully right but some of it has gone from
you to the paper now and now it’s there
or felt and you put it into action this
set your power and I think we talk about
how often like like words are very
limiting right words are limiting they
kind of can diminish the power of
feeling and all that stuff but by taking
all that feeling that you hadn’t
processed put it into words
yeah then you kind of have you get to
see it from that ankle right now you can
see like oh it’s coming out of me that
way right what’s wrong right right and
then like you know and Rob I think
Richard talks about it at coaches week
as well where it’s like if a trauma
happens and you don’t face it and and
express it then that’s gonna like
oxidize your yeah sort of thing or not
and so he will come back you will
reenact it for as long as you don’t deal
with it yeah I don’t care if it’s 30
years can be three months three years 30
years you just gonna keep periodically
being reenact it until you deal with it
like your body does not forget anything
right it’s crazy
and in my experience it has been an
amazing way to deal with it and it’s
it’s been away too
so the movement and then the writing so
movement and then the writing yeah so
you healed on you express yeah yeah yeah
and I think sometimes too you know so
the whole kind of mindset thing and I
think that’s a word that gets like
thrown around it’s like you’re saying
you know it’s like it’s crap out there
but my tea got my I said it’s a mode of
self communication with your self that’s
gonna drive actions as expressions of
inner beliefs and it that that’s what it
is so really what it is for you is a way
to communicate also with yourself and if
you are not communicating with yourself
then you’re you are not going to be able
to you know optimize whatever your
situation is or improving it better or
any of that so the writing after the
workout it was this very visceral
connection of also being able to
communicate with yourself and sometimes
I would find myself writing the same
thing like time after time after time
after time and then the seventh time
something like really really important
would come up and and really personal
like you got to punch through those
later some of that stuff is bury you so
deep mm-hmm but you’re really like
you’re moving the body and the mind
you’re connecting you’re thinking you
should fucking being aware or paying
attention and then you’re really driving
that through higher education
you know no objective base you know
trying to get anything it’s like you’re
just opening the gate and yep there are
three kind of rules that I would set or
don’t judge it yeah be brutally honest
and just get the pen moving those are
the constraints and if you can do that
shortly thereafter I would do it
immediately after a physical movement
like it’s an amazing amazing combination
and for me that was really I think the
start of yep reintroducing putting it
out there and and and making some some
powerful changes that’s expression you
can you tie doing any of that process
into something like say well we talked
about the task negative networks all
right where you go from doing doing
doing doing doing then you’re able to
kind of reflect no because the well it
comes down to a few things first of all
like it’s very interesting the
expressing because the on a completely
different thing but the podcast has done
that for me like since we’ve been doing
the podcast I learn faster because I can
empty my brain I can
express it but you know the fact is once
it’s on the podcast I’m not talking it’s
out there now that it’s out there it’s
not in here because until it’s out there
you’re trying to figure out now you’re
not always there yeah I can’t explain it
any better than that
until it’s on the show on the paper it’s
in there me once the podcast is on
YouTube it’s not here anymore
I’ve expressed it but expression if
someone has heard it then it’s not in my
brain anymore cuz it’s been said nice
like it’s not mine anymore alright so
once in on the paper it’s not yours
anymore and that action seems to have so
much power I also think that there’s
only so much space for those things yes
be that’s true and so like you said in
your head it’s like well I gotta make
room I need to get set on me thinking
about putting this out I’m thinking
about all I need to get it out there and
then something else come in and in your
case it seems from the outside looking
in
like like John and Mike can’t live in
the same fucking space no it can’t
and so which means some of John’s gotta
go yeah and so some of that just needs
to get expressed whether it’s about what
part of John that needs to leave or a
part of Mike that’s gotta be there but
at some point it’s got it out al
explained what they did if you guys
remember the few in sexuality right you
got a flow fight flight and freeze right
I was asked if you can go from freeze to
flow and I said no but that’s not
entirely true there is a way to go from
freeze to flow but it comes down to
resetting literally who you are you have
to kill you have to killed Mike to get
to John basically so this there’s a very
powerful it’s basically like and often
type called I know what and it’s a it
serves at nature’s mercy button but what
it is really it’s something that wipes
out everything that you have completely
why does it exist we think it’s for
example one of the things is it allows
you to be good to do something truly
random when is there a finish like
you’ve seen that on on gazelle gets
caught by a panther or something right
and it completely stays like this it’s
not dead yet and yet it doesn’t move
that’s actually because it’s pumping
down often then often first of all if
you’re gonna die allows you to not fill
it but also it allows you to that means
every
your defense mechanism you tried failed
so need to try something truly random to
do that you need to first wipe out
everything that’s what Dino Finn does so
that will allow you to go from fries
back to flow but to do that that means
that I have to completely wipe out
everything and whoever you wear before
then you could create somebody
completely new from there this is what
you see in people that have near life in
your life experience in your death
experience it’s not when you basically
have faced this to the point where you
truly thought you were going to die
right that’s when the Dino thing gets
bumped and you have people I talk about
that with near-death experience that
change that were a different person
coming out like their values are
different they start to look at life
differently Richard went through that I
did it changers who literally everything
from your behavior to who you are
that’s what they did they know how to do
it this is behavior modification where
you get close enough to that fuckin
point of dying so they kill my to create
John and then once they get you enough
to the stage where you’ve let go of
everything then they get to put what
they want in and at that stage is
honestly not that much you can do about
it in those conditions so that’s what
happens they accept me when I faced it I
got to choose who came out you the army
did and so that’s the problem so you get
into flow with a different person now
you’re supposed to change that and it’s
to do that that means like we’re gonna
have to go this way and just take out
John but piece by piece mm-hmm the only
way you take down piece by piece is by
replacing with Mike but you can’t do it
like not the way they did it they did it
in a very short amount of time the
problem is you can do that the other way
oh yes you will have to get really close
to I’m going to kill myself and come off
of that and Mike would be stronger which
is more or less what happened you have
to truly face like I’m gonna kill myself
and then go and then that’s close enough
that Mike and start winning over but the
problem is if you don’t get that close
it’s extremely hard to do that’s the
problem is behavior modification is to
come back from that is
Muenster well but that’s so you got
close enough that you were able to bill
Mack the other way and so the expression
is very important because that’s when
you’re gonna you’re gonna get to flow
every time like all that stuff has to be
anchored into something and that’s what
the expression does it anchors Mike into
reality alright so they did it and it’s
the only way we can help people that
come back like that is we have to anchor
Mike in reality and so that’s a great
way of doing it but they’re gonna have
to find a way to do that or whether
nervous system will pump out John every
single time there’s a stress the biggest
issue is that is every time there’s a
need for a fight John pops up because
it’s not out yet why because you don’t
trust Mike to take care of the problem
and in my experience what I’ve gone
through to some of this stuff and you
know using I think we’re we’re we have
an amazing ability to use workouts and
movements that are going to bring you
through that and that’s like you know
obviously the workouts and experiences
and everything like that that are going
to touch you present you opportunities
to really go through that go through
that process and what might what you
might realize what I realized was like
yeah Mike needs basic strength training
like he’s been on the he’s been Jeff
he’s been very good for however minute
yeah yeah you need to rebuild him and so
when you look at that be like okay Mike
needs to be rebuilt and I’m gonna be
part of that I’m gonna be reintroducing
training building up basic stuff Mike
training Mike training not John and like
when you can accept that yeah then
you’re like wow this is great
every day is an opportunity to improve
it’s not just like wishful thinking and
so one is writing mike is writing yeah
and that’s the key you see Mike train
Mike wrote so now you’re a little bit
more Mike yeah and that’s super
important yeah yeah and like realizing
to the like John’s not gonna go out
without a fight because John’s a fighter
too yes
John John so that he could be a total
pussy it’s like that dude is gonna come
back and then there’s gonna be so that’s
I think we see the self-sabotage yeah
you’re making some progress and then you
immediately two steps forward 15 back
and for what and so you know never to go
back and so like three two one of the
things was um you know cut alcohol out
of my life now nine months now and I
don’t think I’m gonna go back to and you
fix is and that’s where the fix is you
know I think
caffeine’s up next are sugar yeah but it
has to be yeah but Mike has to be enough
no fix means John is gonna come back is
good no fix means John and and Mike are
gonna talk yeah right
if John is too strong then it’s gonna be
one talking over the other right right
so Mike has to be strong enough that’s
why you’re doing it at your own pace
yeah yeah ventually you want no fix to
have that true conversation but mike has
to be strong enough to be able to take
it and that saying that they’re gonna
talk I think is very powerful and
inviting us to be to improve Inc welcome
Matt yes because if it’s just like don’t
think about John kill job this that’s
like that’s not gonna work either no you
know and like because you can’t cook I
you can’t control when that dudes gonna
pop back up and you will Eddie will you
can tell her if you don’t talk yet and
and if you’re they’re talking it’s like
look you can agree to disagree on some
things but like and really taking
ownership and accountability and
awareness to drive that action for who
you alternate any event again if they
talk eventually there’s gonna be a Mike
and John together yeah well Jake right
because John John is strong and he has
some good sites too without the shit
hits the fan John is he’s gonna take
care of the shit so the day’s got a beer
he’s got a digger it talks about swamp
only they can mash because again
otherwise you’d be denying that you did
all that which is not this is not to do
we do but that’s that’s what we saw with
no fixed November where people use it as
a depravation thing like oh I can’t eat
that I’m like that’s not what I said by
the way no one has a gun to your head
telling you to do it yeah the amount of
people from that
turned it into like okay so am I not
allowed to eat any vegetables what are
you talking to listen to music I’m like
I didn’t take enough stuff out that you
have to add another form of torture like
I don’t I don’t get it but that’s so
it’s not a depriving thing so we know we
don’t need that job to go away we just
need Mike to be kind of stronger and I
think the depth the deprivation and the
punishment and Association I punished
myself there for like look at me it’s
like that is failing us that is Fitness
a the most personal level that you know
continuing to like what are you really
trying to be rude press what there’s no
being a shame of John because that’s
what he comes down to is that too is
like John is bad no job is not designed
for this life so that’s the point ever
I’m not bringing you guys back slowly
and stuff like that to it’s like and
let’s be honest you go back home and
when we were there life was simple but
you had on world you are the code you
could rely on each other and you go back
to two days a Western society that can’t
feel good either because Twitter is not
what you fought for I’m pretty sure
right oh come on – yeah I mean right
into our town like we don’t live in a
military town it’s not far away from a
military Thomas there is and it’s just
like you know people you feel forgotten
about people don’t care I would have to
look around and go this is who are
thoughtful that I saw over there I would
I would get yeah yeah once in a while I
know I don’t want you to he’s very nice
and people you’re saying your thumb
don’t worry it’s all good yeah that
would get me but so you’re also trying
to help others Yeah right yeah okay yeah
so that’s so I started a company called
between the ears which is yes you know
my ability to try to continue serving or
my opportunity to try continued service
so I do we do like physical movement
combined with like mindset and we’re
emotional things and then a huge element
of it is the journaling bees as well the
writing that that’s that expression
piece so taking really people
it started as experiences
I just said like hey you’re gonna show
up at ten o’clock at the gym bring this
bring two pairs pants pair of boots you
know jacket or whatever and lead them
through an experience that would really
punch down layer layer layer and expose
them to who they maybe are and know that
I was amazing when I started really
learning more and more about strength I
was like oh my god that’s what’s
happening yeah cuz I didn’t know like
why I was working no and people would
have really like life-changing awareness
moments but now I was like that’s that’s
amazing that’s what’s going on there
yeah but the thing too is you have so
you can do it like that’s the problem I
see for the veteran community and
everything is like you have to push the
needle far enough that we get close to
that you know I know a moment where you
get close to look and again it’s not
about killing Jon but you’re gonna have
to get close enough to the edge that you
go all right now I mean like I need to
wipe out the other shit and find out and
now work on Mike yeah and that requires
the knowledge to be able to push people
there but without them breaking without
them like yeah that’s that’s and that’s
a big thing too like my role at it is –
yeah well facilitate you know it can
only happen with you yeah and like and
and you know one of the things that they
can do like there’s like a three-month
program that they can do and they do it
There’s
the communal intelligence element where
there’s a tribe, there’s a community.. So
you can really then share your
experiences as well. So there’s
one workout a week.. There’s a
corresponding mindset topic to it, which
is a concept for us to consider..
But don’t repeat the words, and don’t parrot someone else’s quote..
Here’s a concept, take it, apply it,
look for it in your own life.
Make it yours. It’s basically a constraint for
how to approach things and the physical
workout is directly related to that. So
there’s a an expression element as well
of a mindset principle, and so that’s
kind of my job to develop that but then
they go through that, they have a journal
practice and they really get to
reintroduce themselves or find out more
about who they are.. And these are people,
CEOs are doing it, doctors are
doing it, college students, veterans
obviously, active duty, and it’s
really I think the best way
be involved in personal development. And
that’s I think where the personal
development mind space – I don’t like
using those words –
But podcasts, like even this, you can’t talk back to this, to videos..
You can’t really talk back,
you need to be involved in your own pursuit,
physically, mentally and emotionally.
So what you saw work the best is that.. Digging for
whatever was inside that you’re not
necessarily either expressing or feeling.. So you go get the feeling
and then you express it… Having a physical expression like that…
For example, one of the week’s work is called “Let It Go”
So there’s a mile farmer carry and the
topic is on like letting go..
I go and I provide some constraints, some
theory about it, but then
you go do it.. You pick up the
kettlebells, dumbbells, farmer’s,
and you fuckin go walk for a
mile.. And I don’t know where you’re doing
it, or really if you’re going to… But it’s
on you. And then afterwards,
you write about your experience, and
about letting go.
Are
you a total failure when you let go of
the farmers walk? That’s a big one for people…
“I should have gone further,”
We see that on the sandbag all the time.. What goes through their
head when they drop the sandbag, knowing
full well you’re gonna drop it sooner or later.
Half of them; what they say when they let go of the sandbag
is the most fascinating stuff.. Me, I say “Good..
I don’t want to carry that shit anymore.” But
the half of the people say, “How much
of a failure am I?” …But that means
that, from the beginning you could not win.
Because you are going to drop
it anyway. Welcome to life. That sandbag,
you’re not gonna carry it for the rest
of your life. So, even knowing that,
you cannot stop yourself from
being a failure when you drop it..
And if your expectation was “perfection” then we have a big, BIG problem.
That’s a huge thing.. You see the shame, we see
self-sabotage..
“Were you expecting pure and utter
perfection?” But by the way,
What is perfection?
drop it yeah so where did you thought
you were going China right was it like
at some point you’re gonna have to stop
yeah and yet that feeling of shame or
anger can i that is there is something
fascinating i think that’s an important
thing that probably should be overcome
because i’m gonna guess that your todd
especially as you’re being kind of
reshaped for what you need to do in the
military you’re taught that failure is
of pretty high consequence yeah you know
what i mean like yeah they don’t take
even minor failures minor mistakes are
very major yes you know so so i mean you
see it from the i mean it kind of goes
back to like the brown skittles analogy
but hey but there’s a reason it’s real
fucking important i made a shirt be
tighten well you know but every little
mistake is a big mistake right and then
you have to go out into the world we’re
like now you need to fail a lot yeah and
you need to be okay with it and and
that’s a tough thing to get although
it’s not failing that’s the thing like
this is actually something like even in
seminar i think i’ll go deeper into them
because it’s like what is what is it
that you were expecting right oh why is
dropping it failure that’s I think the
real conversation yeah I think why is
dropping the bite failure and failure is
always in and that’s what we get this
objective versus constraints is that I
failure isn’t always only exists a
jacent to an objective right but so that
that’s kind of what I want to know then
what was the objective right that’s what
he brings ok like what were you trying
to do right but that’s the whole
question now if dropping the bag knowing
you will drop it
he’s a failure then what was the
objective what Starlin means failure hmm
so what was the objective then you’re
not me mm-hm like so that means do you
is was that expressing the fact that you
feel your failure that because it’s not
about the bag no so then it’s about you
right so that means that that that
you’re wanting to say I’m a failure was
just right around the corner waiting to
be put out yeah so that’s what this is
about then yeah and I think one of the
things
scene with people and god bless these
people because they have the really the
courage to sew holiday yes yes I’m like
all the aspect in the world on our
balance and so it’s like literally yeah
yeah oh it’s so bad handed yeah and when
they say you have to have the balls to
do it without it without a doubt have to
put this up with some people they’ve
never met they never will meet yep it’s
like that is what you just do to me yeah
yeah and so when we see people that
really are beating themselves up over
failure it’s like I like to split it be
like okay was it task related or
personal yeah yes and it’s about
originally always personal yeah yeah
it’s not like well they were waiting to
say they will tell you yeah and it’s
like well it’s not the fact because you
felt you putting them down was not a
failure the task failure was not was
always going to how is always gonna fit
but it’s the personal failure that now
we can be like okay let’s pause here for
a second dig in and and look at some
things that we have to look at I’m gonna
make people who carry sandbag was a
notebook in that pocket their second
they drop it write down what you think
so and I did that at st. Paul I did that
yeah because it because I like and
that’s my thing like I know now that
right and what I captured on that paper
I like if a lot was it needed I also
needed to express it yes look at it yeah
and think about it and you know and and
that’s part of it is I like the
journaling a lot yeah it’s it’s it’s
amazing
I don’t really because that’s that’s a
expression and then it belongs to the
paper or now I can totally relate
because of the podcast once once someone
says it is not minor you know then my
brain is free from it right otherwise it
spins way too much yeah and anyway this
stuff too like yeah like my
recommendation is to do for one week
also like you don’t have to you don’t
have to turn into like Ernest Hemingway
and I was about to say you’re not don’t
you let it go like you would not get
that let it go yeah like a little bit
like get into a little bit of Abbot
experiment with morning or night right
because that’s different yeah it’s just
right like that’s the constraint like
don’t judge be honest and just get the
pen moving yeah but like what you can do
is this topic may be of failure okay
let’s just
that invited out it for today what does
ever for one week cuz on Monday it’s
gonna look like something totally
different than on Thursday and life is
gonna happen so you get as many reps as
you can in a week it’s not gonna be a
month it’s not gonna come in here one of
them will be true by the way one of them
yeah and it’s probably gonna take you a
couple days to be like oh I got to
something good now if your expectation
is right off the bat that have
enlightenment and be you know Billy
Shakespeare like I know again yeah we
have that to where people expect like
some kind of God every time they use a
sandbag I’m like by the way no one says
you have to hit yourself every time
you’re allowed to be happy I’m just
saying if you work with somebody once in
one you have to you can come back and go
I killed that thing I am happy about
myself and like we see that all the time
nobody’s ever happy I know I was like I
say go find yourself all you found his
misery yeah what does that tell you it’s
so funny and I’m like guys we need to
talk yeah and the driving factor is so
much of this stuff is like you went out
and you gave everything you had and what
you came back with was you suck Yeah
right that’s a problem right we agree
psychos yeah because their stuff more
people is like oh I could have gone
further yeah so what you need here and
second of all at some point no right do
we’re always going to drop it right it
is such a fascinating thing yeah now
reaction is priceless
I like the journaling a lot yeah I think
I think when you describe it but I think
the powerful thing about that is is I’m
just guessing purely speculating here
but a lot of the issues as somebody
comes back when they start kind of going
down the hole a little bit you know and
I’m gonna guess there’s issues of
reintegration that’s often with
communication and connection with your
outside world your family your friends
and then there’s the self issue also you
don’t know who you are gonna need to be
how to make that change what I like
about that expression is you’re it’s
like your baby steps right it’s like
okay first let’s just observe Who I am
and who I was then let’s express Who I
am
it’s my canvas yeah and and then as it
goes you’ll get good
and you’ll also understand then how to
process those things with words then
which means then when something comes up
conversationally with your wife or the
kids or whatever that you’re able to
actually you know address so you’re you
you and you can use well that you
started to express yourself as yourself
and you’ve gotten better at it and then
now you can express yourself to others
and then you can start making
connections that matter again and
keeping those things close and without
doing that thing first what you’re doing
is we’re just trying to you know like
okay honey let’s have a date night and
then you’re just gonna fucking you know
what I mean like it’s all these things
that are only surface level that you
have just checking boxes yeah and like
okay well people say they should talk to
their friends okay
so you just kind of do the things that
normal people do but you don’t have
those and I think they’re writing down
allows Mike to be harder to know because
my mike has been shut up for a long time
and now writing down Mike is being a
hard right that’s who’s talking I see
that’s what the journal is that Elsa
doing Mike and and hearing you to
survive but I also like that because we
always joke that it’s you know to bring
a mic we’re gonna kill John right the
truth is what’s gonna happen is they
gotta internet judges hearts got to fall
off you know and so this is a way for
Mike to communicate Mike to communicate
what about John’s gotta go yeah figure
out where to make space for each other
and then how to walk forward is one yeah
so maybe John and Mike have to go yeah
Jack has to come oh well that’s and I
think that that’s like getting to know
yourself and that’s the big thing is
like it might be like a combination a
hybrid it might be like both of them
like hey elements of John like no yeah
what’s it like definitely not like but
you can now this is an evolution yeah
exactly right and the idea that’s the
problem too is that I said that guy or
the guy I’m like but you’re not 20 twice
you’re 40 so that means yeah me like you
have grown every step of the way you are
a different person a new one better so
you can have both of them yeah I mean
like that idea that it’s always that
we’re like we have that person of this
is or this or like I’m like this is an
evolution that means like every it’s
you’re not you know it’s
we we see that every clinches yeah oh
you can never cross the same river twice
you can rebuild you cannot cross the
same river twice because it’s not the
same river and you’re not the same man
right and if you think you’re never
gonna change like yeah well that’s
Dennis like that’s and I think that’s
well that’s a suicide right is there is
no evolution right I will never change I
will stay like this right baby yeah
that’s I think that’s often the the tone
with which it’s the you know amongst the
suicide it’s the it’s going to be like
this forever
yeah I mean it’s not going to she’s
getting I’m only gonna make it worse and
you know what they all said though like
all the guys that jumped is that in
survive the second did jumped they
realize it did not want to die hmm
I found that was because at that moment
they had to click but the problem is
they need to jump to get the click see I
mean like we go back to that’s the
problem is if you have to get that close
to actually being able to change you
better have a support system because
that means we’re gonna lose a lot of
them in the process well and I think
that to like within the veteran
community as well you know we have it’s
a very complicated solution to try to
for a problem to try to provide a
solution for and it’s so diverse well
right and he’s too much money in it and
it’s so yeah and nine billion dollars
for PTSD and he’s got the varmint sites
and we’re fighting so many battles and
just terms of health care yeah but like
you get out of the army or you get out
of the Navy Rick or whatever the things
that you used to do that gave that made
you feel really good in the morning you
work out you’d work out with your
teammates now you like some of them more
than others and hated others but like
nonetheless you had that community
element and you were actually hopefully
like learning some it’s not the 0 you go
out of that and now no I’m telling you
like hey you got to go to PT that we’re
gonna training on a school you’re on
your own you you are on your own and
like what what I really do believe about
the gym and fitness and movement call it
whatever you’re gonna call it or
subscribe to whatever you’re going to
subscribe combined with that that
journaling element is like those are
readily accessible they are
super chief I mean a pen and a notebook
cost you $3 if and when you look at
saying like I’m going to reintegrate and
be in that community with moving my body
with connecting to others I mean that is
a solution I think that we have to start
really promoting more and crop and what
better place to cross it jams because if
there’s one thing about yeah yes they’re
not a miniature yeah yeah and and i
think crossfit has done a very good job
over the course of its whole existence
on showing appreciation and an
involvement with the military and I
think that’s been because it’s really
kind of been side by side with the first
understand Mike needs help yeah and
support and Mike is a kid it needs to
support and help and and he needs to be
trusted and I mean Magnus trust right
when you know we need to trust Mike in
that case is you need to be able to
trust Mike so we need there’s a support
system in place but not not drugs not
the fucking VR stuff or branches you
know everything this he has to go past
that and that’s where I think connecting
the body and the mind together yeah is
because I still never stem right what’s
about it yeah I mean I go yeah cuz that
is it and and it’s simple but it’s not
easy to do you know what I mean it
really is but he also takes the
pharmaceutical industry has been eyes
the bunch of suits that look at a
chemical reaction it takes two people
I’ve been through it saying like no no
no let’s put all the bullshit away you
do the world because again the peels all
that stuff and someone else doing the
work like this is like we said about a
lot of the times the way some of those
pills work because it’s really more a
matter of making things less bad than
good yeah that’s why it upsets me the
most with all this if they don’t kill
themselves we’re good yeah I’m like fuck
no yeah yeah no that’s that’s and that’s
a horrible way of counting that is
section and you send people there and
then when you come back if you don’t
kill yourself that’s good enough yeah
that is such a fuckin and it’s also like
it doesn’t have to get to that point
yeah yeah like you can be sitting in it
wherever you’re listening you can be
sitting in your life and take inventory
be like pretty good yeah so why wouldn’t
you then continue to want to involve and
get better like it doesn’t have to be
holy crap like I’m you know bottle of
booze a day wife hates me know
abusive to my everyone around me like it
doesn’t it’s not something we owe you
owe it to yourself but you also owe it
to everyone else you interact with to
try to push yourself a little bit better
and to stop before you get to the other
is this it then you’re just rolling the
dice like maybe the word maybe not but
then like being proactive and I think I
think being proactive on the individual
part of extremely important and often
though my question to you is so when you
came back were you leave that this
wasn’t 15 20 years ago you know what I
mean this is pretty recently so so when
you’re out is there anything saying hey
hey Bill now that you’re out just so you
know there are some things that might
line up you may feel like like is any of
that communicated so my thing now over
what it was so I went through a you know
medical sort of out processing thing the
VA and you know they’ve obviously been
in the news quite a bit with just
failing to serve people I was diagnosed
with adjustment disorder which at first
I was like fuck do you mean yeah that
was my thing you know and I was kind of
like whatever pretty sure everyone in
this room when I was six about the to is
I was like you know I didn’t like I’m
there was a hit to the to the ego where
you’re like so you’re calling me broken
yeah I’ll talk about that’s basically
we’re going back to the yeah right so
now they kicked you out and now they’re
saying broken yeah and it was like
really this thing and and you know I’ll
give it I have to give Kay credit she
was like you might need to actually look
into this not the definition that
they’re telling you could you consider
maybe that there’s something going on
like fine maybe whatever are you
anyway so so I had that so I went to a
counselor VA counselor and it didn’t go
well I basically got scolded for why
like you’re kidding me you came back you
got 10 fingers 10 toes two arms two legs
you’re telling me how grateful and I was
just like fuck you dude they’re like no
no no I’m like first of all you were
second only your incredibly
unprofessional I’m not wasting my time
with you no you’re you’re an amateur and
so that didn’t really go well yeah well
maybe you shouldn’t have them yeah exact
when t2 it was like okay so then what
that did to me and like go to a
therapist
hell no yeah not gonna do it I’m not
gonna do it it’s not one avenue for a
traditional Avenue for help was
basically you took that away from
yourself yeah right away yeah China was
technique to k2 cute away yeah I would
know what I’m thinking it I think that
shit now and I’m not coming back because
I would have walked out of that room
yeah yeah you know there is a little bit
of personal accountability he could have
looked at that objectively and said oh I
still need help how can I get there was
my level to shoot the guy I think that’s
also good on you know this is the thing
where like being in that environment in
that headspace it was really convenient
to be like see no like oh yeah but it
was really one of those things where
it’s just like conveniently this guy was
that you know and and so there was like
a way for me to shirk responsibility it
was a way for me not to it was a way for
me to avoid the things that was whether
it was yeah and so that was um you know
but but that’s but that shows you how
many of them have committed suicide
because there was that guy and then
another thing you know like sometime is
two things maybe sleeps is enough and
now your fault yeah like that’s it two
years ago and suicide out of that alone
yeah maybe if
you had you know he had like a cool guy
and pathetic going like dude sit down
let’s talk human being – that alone
tells you it can make all the difference
in the world but yeah but how precarious
yeah human life is right that one dude
talking to you like this
three years later might have committed
suicide yeah I mean I’m living in Freud
you know I mean but life sometime hinges
you also moments when your role in that
right exactly is to pull away from that
problem go people away didn’t help it
was like you’re not you don’t have a
problem but I don’t have a problem and
you’re like I can’t fix you and it’s
like that’s the there you go you know
and that’s the thing about coaches too
or others in your life is like not
everything is gonna have the answer did
I have the fix just what it’s just like
you know having the conversation you
like what’s going on yeah just don’t be
a dick how about that yeah yeah yeah
exactly
and so from a coaching standpoint to and
what I love about this drawing this
anthology – is like you’re gonna have to
figure out your own answers and so what
you know what we’re gonna do is partner
with you in a cinematic relationship to
facilitate some experiences where you
can learn but this isn’t like hey here’s
the answer you know because there is no
answer or like that the only answer is
you’ll figure it out right right but so
your job in that sense is to go do
there’s a way out yeah let’s work on
idea what is it I don’t know yet decide
the Black Swan it’s like there will be a
Black Swan moment right when and well
don’t know but let’s get let’s get ready
for when the Black Swan moment happens
because II do eats I got better oh it’s
I’m gonna kill myself and and the way I
see it just from the outside bill as it
sounds like what you’re what you’re
doing now is presenting in not an
alternative but a new opportunity for
people to get the things get served in
maybe the way that you felt you were
underserved right meaning like like okay
going to someone to talk about it was a
fucking really unpleasant experience for
you now you have a situation with
between the years where there can people
can express to themselves first and when
they’re ready to go to open up about it
they can as well and
start to create that dialogue and it’s
like you’re filling in that spot where
that guy fucked up and then taking them
further then into movement into the
bodies and to progress and to everybody
out there you have a responsibility to
help him yeah well yes
yeah yeah makin culture is always like
veterans and you know like let’s go bomb
some country left and right alright so
when they come back you have to help
like in the conditions right now when
they come back is that that let’s see
pretty this without frustrates me yeah
like the way our responsibility to help
on that shit you can’t send fucking kids
how they’ll change it goes to behavior
modification change who they are
let them come back and not help that
that is the one of you know and there’s
a good point of that where and we were
talking about this morning where you
can’t just use your age either as a
qualifier for how experienced you are or
an excuse for how inexperienced you are
like your age is a fact and that’s about
where it ends in my mind there are
eighteen year old kids who are in
Humvees driving down the streets of
Baghdad in 2002 or four and so explain
to me again why age now yes you’re 27
years old yeah and you can write you
know I mean oh I’m sorry I don’t buy it
and so but that is what we do we take we
a lot of every work every week at our
gym we do a here workout now obviously
we’re that’s a important part of us we
don’t do here workout to crush people
and get thinner we do it for the real
reason to honor and remember those boys
you know I always know reason photo here
we walk out and they’re family and like
99% of the people scaled it and really
actually had a decent workout not too
bad if they scale it but we read the bio
and this past week we had one it was on
Veterans Day and the list of names of
the family members so-and-so is survived
by mom and like for them you know every
single day is yes is Memorial Day and
some of them when you do the math when
they were born and what
hits I mean these wanted to these are
three it’s ok member idarich my god and
that’s what we’re doing and like you
think about eighteen years old like wow
really that’s where I was
meanwhile kids that I went to high
school with yeah we’re in a turret of a
Humvee driving down the streets of
Baghdad and it’s like that should make
us all sort of stop a little bit and
you’re right like that is what we are we
are doing so yeah when you say we should
go bomb then we should go do this sure
but are you willing to send your own
charger and it should that’s what kills
me with the conversation is that it’s
like people out their first option
American culture is violence but yeah
you’re not sending your kid right like
as long as it’s someone else yeah but
even if the first and know that I will
but even if the first answer is violence
then at least at the bare minimum we
take care of them when they come back
right that has to go with it yeah like
you can’t be patriotic and not shoulder
or some responsibility to what help him
when they come back yeah yeah anyway so
we have to help what’s kind of this next
chapter for between years what’s that
look like what are you trying to do to
take this further yes I don’t know where
it’s it’s right when they’re doing yeah
what do you want to take I definitely
want to have it be a way to work with
active duty and veterans you know right
now I deal mostly with no civilians or
non military folks you see the competent
when you sit down with their weak backs
of their soft emotion more involved like
directly in that trend yeah so I would
like to I would like to serve continue
to serve and I think that’s that’s where
I kind of hung the gun up but like I
need to continue serving and it’s a very
very challenging position though because
part of being in you have to abandon a
little bit a sense of self because
you’re part of a culture and a system
and an organization that you’re in your
own individual individuality is good
only to an extent and like that’s part
of just
system yeah but nonetheless for people
who are towards the end of their careers
or wondering or just like wanting to
work on themselves you know doing it
together
nonetheless like you have to continue to
stay in touch with that and and and
primarily living the veteran within the
active duty community obviously like
working with more individuals is always
a passion to continue serving how many
could you could you save them you could
save more people this way okay how many
could you save because my situation is
so fucked up
yeah and prevent a debt alone would save
a lot of people in the way I look at it
too is like yes it’s definitely a way to
continue serving oh definitely and and
it’s really I think in my mind like it
is my it is my best work it is my
passion to do and I have no idea where
it’s gonna go
well call it good yeah no it’s like but
what I do know is that it’s work that
needs to be done for me yeah I agree
entirely those are usually the one that
all successful yeah it is that I please
that’s been my expansion like like you
feel you got this has to be done you
start it goes somewhere well
no idea yeah but he always goes
somewhere so bill if somebody has any
questions or inquiries regarding you
know your word will have something
you’re supported military exactly yeah
yeah we not know what we will know but
we will know how can people how can
people get in touch with you as far as
it yeah so Instagram is probably the
best way so my name bill empties I nthe
s or between the years bTW and the years
bill at between the years Commons my
email hello any of those channels happy
to chat awesome yeah all right I think
that’s got us wrapped up all right he’s
gonna give me the whole lowdown on what
really went out Jeffrey Epstein Bagley I
will let you guys know as for the
deserve the room so actually there’s a
bunch of stuff before that on anyway
yeah why do we care
dude you know this goes all the way is
all the way
that’s actually not that and so there
was a showgirl and yeah all right cool
well we’ll see you guys next week that’s
bills information strong for one Tyler
effing stone strong fit calm strong for
equipment calm Julian’s corner calm for
all things Julian strong food equipment
a tu and cave 92020 rare Barracuda my
fitness Manta Fitness in Australia I’ve
forgotten them for the last few weeks
yeah and there was one more uh support
the podcast if you like podcast that
strong fit calm and that’s it CF Motown
see a whole brand right right
the CF Motown on Instagram if you want
to that way you can kind of see what
more goes on in their gym and all of
that stuff so alright we’ll see you guys
next week thanks for watching
he I’ll make him shaking him you know
there’s odd man looking at it i I’ve
actually not OCD at all I’m reckless and
irresponsible most of the time nobody
that one problem is I’m also very
forgetful so therefore I really so I get
when I get halfway through and I’ll be
like did I fuck something up and then
statistically speaking was a pretty high
chance that I did so then I like it was
like well I have to then Oh completely
dialing like I need to solve this now or
I cannot think past this problem so I
confirm that it works and then we’re
good that last 20 minutes yeah and it’ll
it’ll chew me up and then if Julian gets
into something real good I’ll almost
ruin it by like listen I know but I just
need to make sure before you go off so
if you seem having to look at the screen
of stuff like that that’s why yeah he’s
getting into that mode again yeah I’ll
get nervous Guyana is here so she’ll be
able to look and go like you’re fine
okay there should be no reason you’ve
never been one but ya know just look
anything from this is that okay how am i
intro

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